Stuck in a world where I don't belong

I sit here alone. I have not a single friend. I could die tomorrow and no one would notice. She is there in the other place. It's as if I never really existed. My insides are churning. I feel sick. I cared about her so much. I loved her. I can't stop thinking about her. About how good it was when we were together. I feel sick.

Why does no one like me? Why does no one even talk to me?

What is it about me that repels people? What is it that makes people avoid me?

There is no place for me in this world. I am not welcome in it. No one wants me here.

I'm still missing Maria a lot. I keep thinking about her and all the good times we had together. There won't be anyone else like her. No one else wants me anyway. Even she didn't in the end.

Life is completely pointless.

I wasted today. I went out to go swimming but the pool I went to was shut. I could have gone to another pool but didn't. I've spent several hours wandering around shopping centres and retail parks in the town without buying anything. I don't have any money anyway.

My right achillies is niggling a bit. Don't know why. I braved the scales this morning. 13 stone. Disgusting :-( That's the second time in my life I've been that weight. I wasn't able to run most of last week because of my hamstring. I've been struggling not to eat too much. One meal a day, with snacks, yet I've put on 3lbs. Sick.

I'm just destined to be a fat ugly loser who no one can stand to be with.

Today Greenpeace have invaded the houses of parliament by climbing onto the roof unchallenged. That would be the equivalent in America of people climbing onto the roof of the white house.

This begs some questions. Are Al-Qaeda simply not trying hard enough? Do Al-Qaeda really exist or are they a government creation to sow fear and therefore control of the population?

If Al-Qaeda do exist, they're pretty damn incompetent!

It also gets me wondering about global warming. Is it really happening or is it the governments way of trying not to scare us because we are running out of natural resources?!?

Who knows.

Democracy? Well in this country we vote in a power craved numpty. We, or more to the point, some of the people in the country choose our dictator, then they dictate. It's a bit of a merry go round. Labour, Conservative, Labour, Conservative. It's a bit like they lease power. Something goes wrong so the political party who ballsed up last time round get another chance to do so again.

There shouldn't be party politics anymore. It should not be about doing the best for x political party. Towing the party line. Doing what's in the party's statute.

It should be about doing the best for the people of the country.

The current system just doesn't work well.

Suicide.

Do I really want to sit in a car and drive for 3 hours to beachy head? I would imagine it would hurt a fair bit. Not to bad if I died but if I didn't, I don't quite fancy it.

How to go painlessly. I would imagine being shot, as long as that worked would be the best way to go. As long as there isn't a moron who decideds to try and keep me alive with half my head missing. Although that is fairly unlikely unless I dose up on crystal meths.

ODing? That never works does it.

Lying on railway tracks. As long as I can hold my nerves. I think the best way would be to lay on the track with my neck over the line. That would reduce the chances of endanering anyone else.

Driving into a tree? I'd more likely end up as a vegetable.

Slitting my wrists?

That would be messy. I'd have to go somewhere rather than here to do it. It would probably hurt. A lot.

I will still be here tomorrow.