It would be nice if I knew what I did wrong. Then I could make sure I didn't do it again.

Maybe it's just that I'm so disgusting and repulsive she couldn't stand to be near me? I don't know. I really don't know.

I still love her. I wish I could just turn feelings on and off but I can't. I don't understand why she can say she loves me one minute then a few minutes later change her mind.

I just don't know. I just don't understand.

We had some people round today. My dad's brother, his wife, my cousin and my cousins Muslim wife. She's quite pretty but very quiet. Just like me I guess. Without the pretty bit. It's nearly Ramadan aparently. I may have spelt that wrong. As far as I know it's some kind of fast.

I had to try and stop myself from randomly crying in front of them. Not good. Not good at all. I still want her. I don't know why she doesn't want me. What's so bad about me? What's so bad that she can't tell me what it is?