Stuck in a world where I don't belong

Does anything ever or has anything ever gone wrong when I get the shivers?

What I'm mean by shivers is when it feel like a small insect has walked down my spine. Maybe a small rodent. Tickling. My upper back spasms momentarily, shoulders shudder from side to side. It's usually accompanied by exciting thoughts. Not sexual thoughts. No. Just exciting thoughts.

On the flip side, when things seem to go wrong. Minor things. Like a message being sent from somewhere. A this shouldn't be happening kind of thing...

As it is. I'll elaborate some other time.

I feel the fear. I am scared. Is it right to be scared? Do I just go with it anyway? What do I have to loose? Face? Integrity? Do I posess such things? Who knows. Not I, that's for sure.

Let's give it a go anyway. Lets go for it.

It's two weeks now.

I'm not handling things well.

I wish I could turn off my feelings.

I keep thinking about her, about all the good things. Her company, how much I liked her company and her touch, her affection. The nice things she said to me. The ring. Why the hell did she buy me a ring the day before she dumped me? What is that about?

I don't know.

I can't see anyone else ever wanting me.

What have I got? What have I got to offer?

Nothing. The empty nothingness.

I'm boring. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm not well endowned, quite the opposite. I'm disgusting. I'm repulsive. I have no job, no money, no assets. I live with my dad. I have nothing to offer. There is nothing good about me whatsoever. Nothing women want any way. They seem to want men who treat them bad, shout, argue, put them down, beat them up.

That's not me. Because of all this, I will always be alone. I don't want to be alone.

It took 27 years before I could get a girlfriend and look what a mess that was. Fucked up. Everyothing is fucked up. I shouldn't be. I should never have been. I want out if this is the way things will continue. I can't stand it. I just can't stand it.

I joined up with various internet dating things. Actually, I've been joined up with various ones since I was 18. Some of the more recent ones, well, I think they are cons. I get bombarded with messages which I can't read as a 'free' memeber. As soon as I sign up, that's it. Not a dickie bird. Not a fucking thing.

I want out. Please someone get me out.

Things are a bit unsettled for me. I still miss Maria even though I know that I don't really trust her. My sleep is very unsettled again. I have been getting up in the morning well. Yesterday I woke at 5:45, got up, read the newspaper then went to bed again, getting up at 10:30, today I got up at 8am, took my dad to the supermarket, ate, went on the internet for a bit, played about with my website www.sharemydesires.co.uk (I'm still not happy with it at all!) It's an afillite website so I don't have much control over it's apperance. I then felt really tired so lead on my bed and zonked out for at least two hours so I'm really not happy about that.

I've been back at the other place. Blogging. Not too sure about that. I don't want to get addicted like I did before. I won't be contributing on the forum that's for sure. One of my blogs was hidden by the site owner, it was about the last days I spent with Maria. I have nine comments on my latest blog. I haven't read them, I dread to think what they say. I'm not in a place where I can take bad comments at the moment. I've also been sent a message from the site owner again. I'm scared to read it in case it's another telling off, so staying away for now!

A few things to think about and write about when I get round to it. Just some random stuff swirling about! So will do when I get round to it.

A teaser: Angels & UFO's!!!

It would be nice if I knew what I did wrong. Then I could make sure I didn't do it again.

Maybe it's just that I'm so disgusting and repulsive she couldn't stand to be near me? I don't know. I really don't know.

I still love her. I wish I could just turn feelings on and off but I can't. I don't understand why she can say she loves me one minute then a few minutes later change her mind.

I just don't know. I just don't understand.

We had some people round today. My dad's brother, his wife, my cousin and my cousins Muslim wife. She's quite pretty but very quiet. Just like me I guess. Without the pretty bit. It's nearly Ramadan aparently. I may have spelt that wrong. As far as I know it's some kind of fast.

I had to try and stop myself from randomly crying in front of them. Not good. Not good at all. I still want her. I don't know why she doesn't want me. What's so bad about me? What's so bad that she can't tell me what it is?

If I could burn
I would fester
Smoke would pour
Ooze from the gaps
A red glow
Light shining
Before it dims
A fragrence
Strong mustyness
Seeping
Seeping out
For all to see
My fire burns for you

not too sure about this

I'm just about managing to keep going. I don't know how. The draw of the sofa is there. The draw to lay down, to cry to feel sorry for myself. I have no one. No friends, no one to talk to, no one to help take my mind of things. I feel crap.

I am doing chores. Which is a big deal because I struggle to do chores normally! Washing up, Laundry, Folding and putting away the laundry. I can't be arsed to Iron. Only better clothes like shirts and stuff.

Already, I miss Maria. I love her. I can't just turn feelings on and off like that. It doesn't happen for me. I don't know what I've done wrong.

I went to the other place a couple of days ago to see if she had wrote anything about me. She had. She described me as her stalker. WTF? Who the hell tells their stalker they love them? Who calls their stalker on the phone daily and talks to them for an hour? Who invites their stalker to travel for 4 hours to see them, helps pay for their petrol and pays for them to stay somewhere?

What the hell have I done for her to treat me like this?

As far as I know all I've done is cared about her, loved her, enjoyed her company, told her nice things about her.

I just don't get it. She did the shutting out thing to begin with. Made her bullshit excuses which I know for certain are lies. Why not just tell the truth? I don't understand. Why lead me on, string me along, lie to me and then accuse me of being a stalker? Why?

What the fuck is that all about.

I still care about her. I still love her. I did see a totally different side of her when I came round and tried to talk to her house mate. She just came out shouting and screaming. I didn't even recognise her. I asked her why she was shouting at me.

I don't get it. I don't understand.

Why all the lies? Why lead me on? Why not tell the truth? Why invite me to see her if she didn't want to see me? Why?

I don't get it at all.

Everything. Everything is shit. No friends. No girlfriend. No one likes me. No one can stand me. No one can stand to be around me. I could drop down dead an no one would notice. Why the fuck was I born? Why the fuck was I born? What the hell is the point in me?

There isn't one. Isn't a point. No point at all.

I must be a complete and utter cunt.

Not even that. A cunt is useful. I have no use. To no one. Worthless.

Everyone hates me.

Fucking asshole

Must die

Must fucking die. Somehow

Why am I such a shit person?

Why doesn't anyone like me?

Why don't I have any friends?

Why is it impossible for anyone to want to be with me?

This is so fucked up.

I love her.

Why has she done this to me?

Why can't I just die and disapear? Just want to die. No one want's me here. No one wants me at all. No one can stand me. I just want to die.

Been in the hospital for 5 hours today. My dad is in for an operation. They kept him waiting with no information whatsoever about when he was going to have the operation.

What is normal?

I've never had much incling to be normal. If we were all the same, all clones life would be a lot more boring. No one would have developed all the different things and gadgets and ideas we have and sometimes take for granted wouldn't be.

Pre-Judge

Who am I to pre-judge anyone else? Who is anyone to pre-judge anyone?

I stopped at some services early yesterday morning with Maria (long story) There were some people wandering aimlessly around. My immediate thought was "That's a bit weird"

The fact is the likelyhood was that they had been and probably were still on a long car journey. They were more likely or not to just be stretching their legs a bit. It is wrong to assume. Maybe they were just weird and were some strange cult of zombies that meet up in service station car park to wander aimlessly before dispersing into the ether only to return the next day to repeat their ritual.

Weird? Maybe not. I think that is how I would have felt. Hence my pre-judgement and a reluctance on my part to replicate their behaviour. That's why it took me so long before I was confident enough to run on the streets rather than hiding in the woods all the time. I would have felt weird.

Mental Health

Mental health issuse are sometime seen as a brain disorder. I'm not going to come up with reams of medical evidence. I'm just going on my observations. Mainly of things I have read... on the internet

Is it really a brain disorder? Or are they just different?

Any one who goes out and murders someone - a planned murder cannot be right (bag of worms. I'll put the lid on that one because I've immediatly come up with exceptions)

Is a mental health issue really down to a brain disorder, or a traumatic experience of some kind and that persons reaction to it. A reaction they use, maybe as a way to protect themselves because they don't know other ways to do so. A reaction that over time becomes so ingrained it is very difficult to change.

A coping stratergy.

One that the individual has chosen. Maybe not the right method but if they can't think of anything else, or if they have tried something else and it's failed.

When that individual is very young and doesn't know any better for whatever reason. That person is alone. They aren't offered any help. When help comes, well, it's not for the original problem. Alas, the original problem isn't mentioned. It is the symptoms of the problem that are looked at. If the individual is too ashamed of what happened, thinks it was their fault and doesn't tell anyone. Well is it really a brain disorder? Is it ever? Unless there has been obvious physical injury.

Maria told me on Thursday. She'd had told me a very edited version a long time ago.

Her words:

"My dad messed around with me when I was young"

"I didn't tell my mum because I didn't want to hurt her"

"He said if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me. I wouldn't be able to prove it"

"I told him if he touched me again I would scream so loud everyone would know about it"

nb Maria is not her real name.