Stuck in a world where I don't belong

dear blog and I feel awful. Just so alone. I can remember clearly what it was like to be with someone. To have someone who actually appeared to want me. To have someone to talk to. To actually talk to. I keep thinking of what it was like.. being with her. It was just so good.

Now, just nothing.

Will anyone ever want me for real?

Or am I destined to be alone forever?

It sucks. It truly sucks dear blog.

I managed to wash eventually. Got down to the pharmacy then wandered out to Sainsburys. I managed to spend £15 on one bag of shopping. Some green stuff made it's way into my basket. I don't do green. Spinach and Rocket. I should eat something 'healthy' so I brought that.

I did have some entertainment today. Some eejit decided to try and nick a TV from Sainsburys. There was a call out over the intercom or whatever it's called for a security guard to go to the main enterance. As I left the store there was a balding man being restrained by two of them just outside the doors. A few old dears taking an interest too!!!

Other than that I've been playing poker. Made another loss for the day. Don't worry, I'm still in profit overall. I need to try not to freak out when I get a bad run of cards and remember it's just that. Not that i've suddenly started playing crap or the other players a suddenly a lot better than me.

I'm still continuing with my clear out and rearanging.

I've been watching Big Brother this time round. I did get to the stage where I got fed up of it and refused to watch it in principle. The first one was the best, after that, they had to piss around with it and change things that didn't need changing. Seeing as it's the 10th one I thought I'd watch it. A lot of the people in there seem quite er.. interesting. I'm liking the Russian woman at the moment. Angel. She reminds me of someone. Someone special.

So. Yeah.

Miss her. and it. The other place.

I wish there was a way. She wouldn't even speak to me :-(

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have done nothing wrong.

It's silly really. Other peoples misinterpretations, other peoples insecurities.

I have not betrayed anyone's trust. I will not. A lot of people have told me very personal things in confidence and I will tell no one of such things.

Only, certain people have decided that I will for what ever reason. They have took a dislike to me for what ever reason. They have tried to sully my character in public.

Yet still I will not betray their confidence.

I have been destroyed. Yet still I will not betray their confidence.

Even sillier? They have nothing to be ashamed of! They have done nothing wrong! It was not their fault, just as my situation with 'Maria' is not my fault. All I did was fall in love with her. All I did was want to see her but she lied to me, over and over again.

God knows what she's saying about me. I did nothing to hurt her. Nothing at all. I have no reason to lie to myself dear blog. No reason at all.

If I betray one persons confidence, I betray a lot of peoples confidence.

I will not do that. A lot of people have confided in me.

I find it hurtful that other peoples paranoia is sullying my character, along with other peoples lies.

I am not an aggressive person but if attacked, I will defend myself. Bullies at school knew not to mess with me for that specific reason. I wouldn't start a fight but I sure as hell would finish it.

I still miss Maria. Despite it all, I still want to talk to her. I still care about her. It still hurts. It hurts a lot. If I'd done anything bad to her, I would understand it but I didn't. We didn't even argue! We didn't even shout at each other once. It just doesn't make sense to me. But that's what I did wrong isn't it?

My cat likes to sleep in different places every so often. She'll spend between several days and several months before swapping to a new place. These tend to be a selection of places under heavy rotation.

Today she has found a new one. She is now sat on top of the toilet cistern. Why she's decided on that all of a sudden I don't know.

I was up fairly early today. My calves are really tight after yesterdays 'run'. I haven't had a wash yet. My hygeine at the moment is not too good. I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my sertraline perscription so I'll have to try and de-smell.

I am having another clear out. This seems to be a regular occurance. Each time I try it I seem to get rid of so much crap but don't seem to gain any more space! I need to be ruthless. I've took a load of clothes that either don't fit me at the moment, or clothes I don't wear and put them in a large box which fits neatly in a cubby hole that's mostly a waste of space. That will enable me put put some other stuff on top of the box. The clothes I don't wear I mostly keep for sentimental reasons. They remind me of better times, not that there were many of them :-(

The clothes that don't fit? Well, I'm hoping they will one day when I'm not so obese.

I'm really missing Maria still. I think about her regularly. I wonder if I should try and contact her? I don't think she cares at all about me though. I think she hates me. It so hard. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what I did that was so bad. Maybe I treted her wrong? Maybe I should shout and insult and hit her like other men do to women they're in a relationship with? Is that what women want?