Stuck in a world where I don't belong

dear blog?

What is it that makes me me?

The good and the bad. I'm not sure there is good. I don't have a single friend. Anyone who comes near me doesn't stick around long.

It's quite a loaded question. I'll have a think about it and get back to you dear blog.

I can't stop thinking about her. I think I refered to her as Maria in an earlier blog so I'll call her that.

I just keep wanting her to call or text me. The phone rang today. I was busy playing 3 tables of Texas Hold 'em so didn't answer it. It's never usually for me anyway. Usually just some marketing call. My god those recorded message one's really piss me off. Just fuck off!!! If I want to buy something I'll go out and buy it!

Maria never really discussed why she dumped me. I was outside her house. She wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. She dumped me by text. There was no proper discusion. Nothing. He hurts. Hurts so much. I cared about her. She said she felt the same and now nothing. It'll be 3 weeks on Wednesday since I last spoke to her. It's like I don't even exist. I guess I don't really. Fuck it.

No one knows. No one cares. No one notices I'm not there. Why would they dear blog? Why the fuck would they?

Nothing much doing today. Just playing poker. Learning a bit more illustrator and rearanging the furniture! There is so much clutter in here it's unbelievable. That's the problem with being a horder.

Oh well.

Toodle pip dear blog.

Hopefully I'll die soon

Dear Blog,

I woke up far too early today. My dad's alarm woke me up. It wouldn't usually but I can't have been fully asleep. I couldn't drift back off so decided to get out of bed. I felt really tired.

I had to have a quick splash in the shower then made the short walk to the woods to begin my run. The nettles are out in force once again. I somehow managed not to get stung. My back or pirifomis or whatever the hell is wrong with me doesn't appear to hurt when running. Just when walking.

My legs had no strength in them whatsoever. It's amazing how quickly I loose fitness. It's ridiculous. My base mileage has been shit though since last October thanks to repeated injuries. Not good.

The run was mega slow. 30 minutes. I felt I was struggling too. There were a few bunnies running about. I also saw a young stag, his antlers just starting to grow. It was stood in an adjacent field as I passed by. It looked at me, noplussed.

30 minutes in the bag. I'll wait a couple of days before doing another 30. I prefer to run every day but I have to build right this time.

I miss her so much. I just loved being with her. I thought she felt the same. She said she felt the time. When does the hurt stop? How is anyone else ever going to want me? Do I have to wait another 27 years? Fuck that. I can't stand this life. Fuck.

That's all for now dear blog.