Stuck in a world where I don't belong

She called tonight. We talked. For over an hour. I feel a bit bad about not believing her about her friend. I still don't fully. Too many things don't quite add up. I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

We mostly talked seriously. She told me how she was feeling about her friend, about herself and her own health issues. I asked her to try and explain more about her bipolar disorder. I'm glad I asked her. I feel a bit better informed in how it affects her and her reactions during the different moods.

She has told me she is more likely to push me away while she is down.

We also had a bit of a laugh. Talking about bees.

My random thought while running - bees. The bee keepers blow that smoke onto the bees. The bees associate the smoke with fire. Now surely, if I was a bee, after a while I'd get a bit fed up. There's obviously something not quite right. Every day some ba$t@rd set's fire to their home. That would be telling me I either need to call the authorities, have a bit of vigilanty (please excuse my spelling) revenge on the arsonist, or get the hell out of there but no. They don't have any common sense.

I'm noticing a slight parallel here. hmmmm.

The run started of ok today. One of the few times I've been happy to have a head wind, well, more of a breeze really. It was bloody hot! Slowed up a lot towards the end. I thought I was going to get back inside ten minute mileing but not to be. Not bad considering it was so hot. No problems with my breathing, just the usual leg strength issue and I was fighting my head today. It's hot you pr!ck! Stop! Stop! STOOOOOOP! When I wasn't thinking of bees of course.

More discussions with Maria. We talked about gardening, plants, whether birds have penis' and if they can change sex and the common greeting of asking someone if they're alright. The stock answer is usually to respond in the positive, regardless. Right or wrong?

There was one time I told someone how I feel.

"Alright?"

"No, I feel like sh!t"

You should have seen his face drop. He didn't actually want to know if I was alright at all.

I've told Maria she has an open invitation to come here. My dad's off on holiday for a couple of weeks tomorrow so I'll be home alone. That should make it easier for her with her panic attacks. I've said she can bring a friend too. No, not like that!

I won't really be able to go and see her because someone will have to feed the cat. I don't think I trust my sister to do so. I don't think the cat will stand up to a 4 hour + car journey either

I've heard from Maria.

I was supposed to go to see her on Friday. She cancelled that because someone had stole all her money out of her account.

She was going to phone me first thing Saturday morning to make alternative arrangements. The last time I spoke to her was Friday night, around 9:30pm.

Today she has finaly sent me a text. One of her friends has been diagnosed with a brain tumour which has "messed" Maria up.

hmmmm

was it wrong that I laughed when I received the text?

Cry wolf?

I don't actually know.

She will phone me later. Possibly. Unless she falls down a manhole or somesuch. To be fair though that nearly really did happen. I stopped her from running into a gaping chasm while we were running together in woods, in the fog, at night.

I really like her though. I like her company. I like being with her. So, I'll see how things progress.

Dear blog. I'm Feeling a bit down today, very tired mentally. I want to go out for a run but my head doesn't feel up to it just yet. I'll go out later on today. Hopefully I'll wake up a bit then. I had a random urge to draw something I visualesed today. I haven't drawn anything except the curtains for a while. The output didn't quite match what was in my head but it's there for me as a reference should I need it.

Still no contact from Maria. I've emailed again. Just letting her know I'm here. Not sure if she'd prefer me not to. For all I know she's put my e-mail under a spam filter

Also a bit put off elsewhere, trying to be nice and friendly but get it thrown back in my face. I just won't bother.

I should also look at the clock before choosing inapropriate blog titles. Never mind.

I have a pack of Tarot cards. I don't actually know what to do with them. I usually just shuffle them then cut the pack and select a card. I did the same today, only as I was cutting the pack, I noticed one with a slight curve right on top. It was calling to me. I wanted it. Strength. http://www.learntarot.com/maj08.htm

I still haven't heard from Maria. I've emailed her and sent her a text, letting her know I'm worried about her. It's difficult. Really difficult for me. I like her a lot but when she shuts me out like this it's hard. So hard.

My sister took her two children to Bath today for a Birthday party. She dumped her dog on me, who I'll call horror. He did actually behave himself for once although he is very embarassing on the lead. I don't dare let him off because I don't trust him to come back. He will not walk to heel either. I spent most of the walk going backwards and forwards and round in circles hoping he would get the hint.

Other than that not much going on here. Played a bit of limit texas hold 'em poker. Finished in profit. I didn't have much time to do that though.

Mentally, I'm struggling. I want to hurt myself. I say hurt but it doesn't really hurt for various reasons I won't go into now but possibly have in the past, certainly at the other place anyway. So harm. But I won't. Want to but I won't.

Sad and worried :-( I care about her, care so much. Am I a mug? Is she playing games? Taking me for a ride? I don't know, I really don't know. I just like her, love her. I know that.

Wearing my colors; only, they aren’t my colors any more. They are the colors of the other place. The deep crimson red, day glo yellow and white vertical stripes. I nearly went back there today. Looking for her. She said she would phone me this morning to arrange me going to see her. I haven’t heard from her all day. So now I’m worried.

She’s done it before. It’s actually harder to find when she hasn’t done it. She told me she was a bit drunk Friday night. She used to be an alcoholic. I’m worried she’s been hurt somehow. I don’t know.

I’ve put a fence up to stop myself going to the other place, only I can still get in the back door. I stood outside the back door. On the path but I couldn’t. I couldn’t open the door, let alone walk through it. This is a good thing. For now anyway. I think it’s best I stay away. I shall remain chastised from that place for the time being.

I still have their colors. Indeed I am still sat in them now. Been wearing them all day, since my run this morning. 33 minutes. Still so slow, so, so slow. It’s not good.

Not to mention my weight 12 stone 10lbs 34% body fat. If I’m not careful, I’ll be morbidly obese before long, as opposed to just being obese like I am now. It’s not the weight that bothers me. It’s the fat. The fat on my face and round my gut.

I’d really like to know what’s going through Maria’s mind right now. Why she has decided it’s easier to shut me out completely once again. I’ve told her I’d rather she say to me “I need some space, some time to myself for a bit” than saying she’s going to contact me and then just disappearing.

I have a lot still to learn.

I can't say it doesn't hurt
I can't say I'm not bothered.

I can't say that because it would be a lie

If I can't be true to myself, what hope has anyone got?

Situations have returned to their complex state again.

Another agreed meeting. Another excuse. I do feel like a mug. I don't know wheter to believe the latest one or not. There are just so many holes. A lot of things that don't add up.

Things I wonder about. Things I wonder why. Why did she say "I have to go someone's coming" What's that about? Why does she have to go because someone has come?

I don't know. It is very confusing. When we're together, it's great. Perfect. Then the things that happen when we're not... it's just insane.

I still have to wonder who I am. I have a lot swirling round in my head. So swirled, it's tied up in knots. I can't unjumble it right now. I don't have time. So much has happened. So much complicated. I just can't afford this if it's a mistake, if it's a joke, if I'm being made a fool of. Even so, the good bits are so much better than the bad.

Is it better to regret the things I did do than regret the things I was too scared to do?

Now there's a question. Maybe I'm a complete fool.

Who am I?

My sister changed her mind about going swimming yesterday. She said she wasn’t feeling very well. This isn’t really new. If she can’t be arsed to do something she’ll come up with something like that.

I went alone. It took me a while to organize myself out the door. I arrived at the leisure centre half an hour after the session started. I stayed in the pool for about 70 minutes.

It wasn’t odd. It wasn’t weird. I just got in, minded my own business and got on with what I was doing. I swam 14 consecutive lengths of the pool, without stopping. I believe the pool is 20 meters long so that is 280 meters in one hit. That’s the furthest I’ve swam in one go. I’m pretty sure of that. I have a 100 meters badge from when I learnt to swim at school.

Overall I did 42 lengths. The rest had breaks between some of them. There was one woman who got in the pool with her family and decided she would swim faster across the pool than me before announcing to her family that I’m crap. Well, I’m not a strong swimmer. I’m also a very slow swimmer. I’m not swimming to try and impress anyone else. In the back of my mind, it is calling – tri, tri, tri, triathlon. Some people are just nice like that though. I don’t really understand it. Well, I do. Some people like to put others down to either look big themselves or to hide their own insecurities.

My front crawl could do with some work. I did most of the lengths breast stroke, only four were front crawl. The first attempt at that, I zig zagged across the lane I was in!!!

Maria. Well organizing to meet her is a toll in itself! I’ve said that the best way to do things is to decided on the day if she wants me to go and see her or not. It was mooted for today. Nope. She’s changed her mind. “Wednesday will be better, I don’t have things to do on Wednesday” I politely inquired what she had on today, out of interest, “bills to pay” she said and her cross training session which I knew about and thought I was going to do with her. So, again, bollocks. I don’t believe that is the reason she doesn’t want to see me today.

She’s said tomorrow now. I wouldn’t take any bets on it!!! It is incredibly frustrating because when we are together we get on really well but there is something that she seems to be scared of. She’s suggested I go tomorrow (subject to her changing her mind!!!) then I take her back with me Thursday (I have to see the counselor again on Thursday) That way I can take her back straight after so there is no pressure on her and it’ll ease her in to coming to my place. She says she may even feel comfortable enough to stay.

Well, I’ll see what tomorrow brings. I’m really not expecting anything.

I got a run in this morning. 33 minutes. It was a bit crap. Really humid this morning. I was expecting to be overrun by school children heading to school but there weren’t too many. I’m still incredibly slow. I’m usually faster on the road than off road but today that wasn’t the case. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s quite disappointing.

I wrote not too long ago musing about what defines me. I also wonder who I am.

Perception. How I am perceived by different individuals. Some people get it completely wrong. I guess I'm thinking more along the lines of my online prescence and 'the other place'. Some people there have got me completely wrong. Some just don't understand. I have tried to tell the people who have got it wrong that they have but they don't believe it. They have convinced temselves that's what I am.

That's not a problem in itself. The problem is they try and convince others that is the case too. That's when it becomes an issue.

Those who simply just don't understand, I've said to them, no, your misinterpreting.... This is how it is, let me try and explain in a different way...

Then I get accuesed of being aggressive! Anyone who meets me would soon realise I am the complete opposite of aggressive! If I had been stood in front of her she'd have seen I just just trying to explain because I wanted her to understand.

So, perception then. Those are just a few people. How do other's perceive me? I guess from my blog a lot of people get the impression that I'm constantly whinging and moaning and feeling sorry for myself. The truth is, if i didn't write it down in my blog, no one would know! If asked, or greeted with "alright?" my stock reply is "yes" even though it's a lie and I hate lies.

No one would know.

Watching big brother. Now I have issues with big brother and TV in general. I've only ever watched about 3 incarnations of it regularly. There are 3 where I didn't watch it at all and the rest I just popped in and out of.

I decided to watch the latest one because it's the 10th aniversary so I thought it may be a bit more interesting. So far, it is, to a certain degree, when they are doing tasks. There is a lot of "It's 10:15 am and Shree is in the garden, dogface, halfwit and Norin are in the living room"

WTF? I really couldn't give a shit.

That said it is interesting people watching. The bitching that goes on behind other peoples back. My perception of people has changed, especially for Chris after he was slagging halfwit off in the diary room.

Shree, well he's getting on my wick. I'm a bit scared that I come over a bit like him. God I hope not. The way he's crowding Norin and the way the other housemates seem to think he's harmless. He isn't. He trys to be controlling, telling everyone to shut up. He doesn't listen to anyone, he's rude and incredibly deluded. Norin told him she doesn't want to be any more than friends. I don't think he's all there.

Yeah, anyway. Things to think about, perception, who am I? how do others perceive me?

Everyone has their skeletons
The little nics
Those hidden things
Thoughts

Siophened away
Shared
Unshared
Ushered in disguise

A little story
Here and there
Tucked away
We will not air

Irony, lie to protect
Manipulations
A way to discredit
To hide their own inacuracies.

Not being a crowd follower
To be different
It's a threat.

Therefore will be driven
Driven away

Discarded
Thrown out.

My sister decided she didn't want to go swimming today. No, instead she wanted to go ice skating. I was slightly reluctant due to still being injured but I haven't been skating for about 11 years!

For some reason I thought I could just get on the ice and wizz round fast like I used to do when I was a child and my dad, sister and I went together. My mum was too scared of falling.

I had to wear the manky hire skates, one of which had laces which weren't long enough to tie up. On standing in them I started wobbling about immediatly even before getting anywhere near the ice! Not what I was expecting at all.

Onto the the ice and omg! It's all slippy!!! What's happened to me? Why am I suddenly unable to skate?

Anyway, I worked at it, put some effort in, concentrated on what I was doing, mostly on what I was doing wrong so I wouldn't do it again and gradually my technique improved.

I had a few wobbly moments. No, scrub that, a lot of wobbly moments. There were a few young children on the ice. Two lads, both of which made very impressive dives onto the ice although I don't think they were intentional! I was very wary in going past them incase I took some fingers off. Of course.

Soon I was able to cross my legs but my technique is still a bit iffy. I've never been that good at going backwards and I'm still not. I nearly went down while executing one stopping manouver so went for another, easier one.

It took me over an hour before I went to ground. Boy had I needed that. It would have been good to get that over and done with from the start to remind myself I do know how to fall safely. I think I still need to fall a few more times so I know that one wasn't a fluke.

I thought about trying to copy one of the women figure skating around the ice but thought better of it. No need to make a tit of myself now!

In all, I was skating for about 90 minutes. I was glad I went. I'm enjoying spending more time with my sister at the moment. Just the two of us, how it sometimes used to be.

I didn't enjoy shopping with her afterwards though! In clothes shops she has to wander round, touching everything, picking everything up, examine it, keep hold of some items then walk round the whole shop again before spending an inordinate amount of time in the changing rooms trying clothes on. I told her it would probably be quicker just to head straight to the changing rooms and ask a member of staff to feed her ever item in the store to try on.

Maria phoned me eventually last night. We chatted about nothing much in particular. That was nice though. I still have deep feelings for her.

The squirrels are out on our nuts this morning. I opened the window to talk to the. They weren't too interested. One did look straight at me. I thought it was going to pounce on me!

I let the cat out into the porch to try and encourage her to play with the squirrels. I gave her a bit of a prod but she didn't seem overly interested. Not until the squirrel ran off. That inceited a slow lumber outside from her but nothing much more.

Just can't get the staff nowadays.

I went swimming yesterday with my sister. I haven’t been for years. I have never been a good swimmer. We used to go every Monday evening when I was young, as a family.

I have been meaning to go swimming for a while but I haven’t had the courage. I’ve been scared. I guess I’m scared of people and I feel venerable on my own. I felt I needed someone to go with me.

Well, my sister went with me. She’s decided she wants to get fit. We both have a card that gives us discounts in all the leisure facilities in the town.

After changing, somehow I managed to walk through the women’s shower room! I didn’t have my glasses on so couldn’t see the signs.

I was quite pleased with how well I swam. I stopped between nearly every length of the pool but I did 24 lengths. I’m not sure how long it is but I’m pretty sure that is further than I have ever swam in my life. My arms felt very heavy during most of the swimming but they were ok afterwards. My upper back has been a bit stiff today, muscular rather than anything else.

My sister totally creamed me. She did 32 lengths and I’m ashamed to say was a lot faster than me! She has swam more recently than me and she doesn’t have anywhere near the same amount of weight to haul around as I do.
I don’t think I’ll worry too much about going swimming on my own for a while. There were plenty of other people on their own so I won’t stand out. I think most were just getting on with their getting’s on. I think some were smirking a bit at me but I didn’t really care.

There was a really obese woman in the pool. I’m obese myself but she was at least twice the size of me, yet she was swimming a lot faster than me! I don’t think she swam as far though. She appeared to be stopping for a lot longer than I was.

There was a man who I’d guess was in his 60’s, also in the pool. I was slightly faster than him which was something.

Afterwards we went to McDonalds then I picked my nieces up from school. One of them, MB had a rehearsal for some singing event that she had to go to.

Today I got another run in. I’m mega slow at the moment. My upper back was tense and tight. I think I’ve already mentioned that. I’m pretty much starting from scratch. Just 30 minutes. I will do another 30 on Sunday.
I went to the counselor for CBT although I don’t think she’s doing much actual CBT with me. I think my problems don’t really fit around their basic principles!

I’m a bit reluctant at the moment to do the things she’s suggesting. It just doesn’t seem the right time for me. I’m spending a lot of time researching into starting a business and learning a few new skills so that is taking a lot of time.

Then there is ‘Maria’ I’ve spoke to her on the phone. Twice yesterday. Once on Tuesday. I’m hoping to make a go of things. She hasn’t phoned me today yet. She said she would. I’m trying not to stress about it! That is something I didn’t want to do this time. I don’t want to be sat by the phone waiting for her to call. Instead, I’m writing this blog!

I don’t want to be smothering her. I don’t want her to feel like I’m too obsessive about her. I don’t want to be obsessive about her either.

I did discuss it a bit with the counselor. She basically said “Can you cope with the push and pull?” I told her I could. I thought I could but I’m starting to doubt it now that I’m hoping, waiting for her to call!
Oh well. I will probably swim again tomorrow. My sister has said she wants to. I’m a bit worried about my upper back being so stiff.

POLITICS

I don’t like to write about politics but our current government is a joke. They’ve released the “official” politicians expenses but have blanked out all the bad stuff with marker pen! My god, they really think highly of us! They must think the electorate are a right bunch of idiots!

“No, the black felt tip is just there to make it look pretty, honest! The Telegraph are lying!”
Now, I don’t trust or believe the media anymore than the politicians but come on…

Stab me through the heart
Flash your razor, white teeth
Share the hurt inside
Hide it from the world
Pretend not what you are
Let it breathe through all your pores

Hide who you are
Shield it from the world
Pretend be someone else
Don't let anyone in
You've done nothing wrong
Be yourself. Not someone else.

I am.

I contacted her. By e-mail. She replied. We've exchanged a few messages. I don't want to force anything. I've told her I miss her. I know I'd still like to make a go of things. Although part of me is very cautious because I know it'll just happen all over again. Are the good parts worth it?

Also it has to come from her. It's no good her saying she wants to see me just because I want to see her.

The way things happened in the end.

I don't know. I going to try not to dwell on it. I'm not sat her refreshing my email or sitting by the phone. If she comes she comes and I can take it from there.

I'm not sure she will. I would like it. I really would but with a hint of caution...

In other news I went to see the counsellor today for CBT.

Watching
Seeing
Listening
Hearing
Touching
Feeling
Loving
Wanting.

I miss her so bad. I miss everyone. I just loved being with her so much. Do I try and contact her dear blog? I guess you can't answer me that. No one can.

I'm a bit scared what I may find. She might have someone else.

Gack :-s

dear blog and I feel awful. Just so alone. I can remember clearly what it was like to be with someone. To have someone who actually appeared to want me. To have someone to talk to. To actually talk to. I keep thinking of what it was like.. being with her. It was just so good.

Now, just nothing.

Will anyone ever want me for real?

Or am I destined to be alone forever?

It sucks. It truly sucks dear blog.

I managed to wash eventually. Got down to the pharmacy then wandered out to Sainsburys. I managed to spend £15 on one bag of shopping. Some green stuff made it's way into my basket. I don't do green. Spinach and Rocket. I should eat something 'healthy' so I brought that.

I did have some entertainment today. Some eejit decided to try and nick a TV from Sainsburys. There was a call out over the intercom or whatever it's called for a security guard to go to the main enterance. As I left the store there was a balding man being restrained by two of them just outside the doors. A few old dears taking an interest too!!!

Other than that I've been playing poker. Made another loss for the day. Don't worry, I'm still in profit overall. I need to try not to freak out when I get a bad run of cards and remember it's just that. Not that i've suddenly started playing crap or the other players a suddenly a lot better than me.

I'm still continuing with my clear out and rearanging.

I've been watching Big Brother this time round. I did get to the stage where I got fed up of it and refused to watch it in principle. The first one was the best, after that, they had to piss around with it and change things that didn't need changing. Seeing as it's the 10th one I thought I'd watch it. A lot of the people in there seem quite er.. interesting. I'm liking the Russian woman at the moment. Angel. She reminds me of someone. Someone special.

So. Yeah.

Miss her. and it. The other place.

I wish there was a way. She wouldn't even speak to me :-(

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have done nothing wrong.

It's silly really. Other peoples misinterpretations, other peoples insecurities.

I have not betrayed anyone's trust. I will not. A lot of people have told me very personal things in confidence and I will tell no one of such things.

Only, certain people have decided that I will for what ever reason. They have took a dislike to me for what ever reason. They have tried to sully my character in public.

Yet still I will not betray their confidence.

I have been destroyed. Yet still I will not betray their confidence.

Even sillier? They have nothing to be ashamed of! They have done nothing wrong! It was not their fault, just as my situation with 'Maria' is not my fault. All I did was fall in love with her. All I did was want to see her but she lied to me, over and over again.

God knows what she's saying about me. I did nothing to hurt her. Nothing at all. I have no reason to lie to myself dear blog. No reason at all.

If I betray one persons confidence, I betray a lot of peoples confidence.

I will not do that. A lot of people have confided in me.

I find it hurtful that other peoples paranoia is sullying my character, along with other peoples lies.

I am not an aggressive person but if attacked, I will defend myself. Bullies at school knew not to mess with me for that specific reason. I wouldn't start a fight but I sure as hell would finish it.

I still miss Maria. Despite it all, I still want to talk to her. I still care about her. It still hurts. It hurts a lot. If I'd done anything bad to her, I would understand it but I didn't. We didn't even argue! We didn't even shout at each other once. It just doesn't make sense to me. But that's what I did wrong isn't it?

My cat likes to sleep in different places every so often. She'll spend between several days and several months before swapping to a new place. These tend to be a selection of places under heavy rotation.

Today she has found a new one. She is now sat on top of the toilet cistern. Why she's decided on that all of a sudden I don't know.

I was up fairly early today. My calves are really tight after yesterdays 'run'. I haven't had a wash yet. My hygeine at the moment is not too good. I need to go to the pharmacy to pick up my sertraline perscription so I'll have to try and de-smell.

I am having another clear out. This seems to be a regular occurance. Each time I try it I seem to get rid of so much crap but don't seem to gain any more space! I need to be ruthless. I've took a load of clothes that either don't fit me at the moment, or clothes I don't wear and put them in a large box which fits neatly in a cubby hole that's mostly a waste of space. That will enable me put put some other stuff on top of the box. The clothes I don't wear I mostly keep for sentimental reasons. They remind me of better times, not that there were many of them :-(

The clothes that don't fit? Well, I'm hoping they will one day when I'm not so obese.

I'm really missing Maria still. I think about her regularly. I wonder if I should try and contact her? I don't think she cares at all about me though. I think she hates me. It so hard. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what I did that was so bad. Maybe I treted her wrong? Maybe I should shout and insult and hit her like other men do to women they're in a relationship with? Is that what women want?

dear blog?

What is it that makes me me?

The good and the bad. I'm not sure there is good. I don't have a single friend. Anyone who comes near me doesn't stick around long.

It's quite a loaded question. I'll have a think about it and get back to you dear blog.

I can't stop thinking about her. I think I refered to her as Maria in an earlier blog so I'll call her that.

I just keep wanting her to call or text me. The phone rang today. I was busy playing 3 tables of Texas Hold 'em so didn't answer it. It's never usually for me anyway. Usually just some marketing call. My god those recorded message one's really piss me off. Just fuck off!!! If I want to buy something I'll go out and buy it!

Maria never really discussed why she dumped me. I was outside her house. She wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. She dumped me by text. There was no proper discusion. Nothing. He hurts. Hurts so much. I cared about her. She said she felt the same and now nothing. It'll be 3 weeks on Wednesday since I last spoke to her. It's like I don't even exist. I guess I don't really. Fuck it.

No one knows. No one cares. No one notices I'm not there. Why would they dear blog? Why the fuck would they?

Nothing much doing today. Just playing poker. Learning a bit more illustrator and rearanging the furniture! There is so much clutter in here it's unbelievable. That's the problem with being a horder.

Oh well.

Toodle pip dear blog.

Hopefully I'll die soon

Dear Blog,

I woke up far too early today. My dad's alarm woke me up. It wouldn't usually but I can't have been fully asleep. I couldn't drift back off so decided to get out of bed. I felt really tired.

I had to have a quick splash in the shower then made the short walk to the woods to begin my run. The nettles are out in force once again. I somehow managed not to get stung. My back or pirifomis or whatever the hell is wrong with me doesn't appear to hurt when running. Just when walking.

My legs had no strength in them whatsoever. It's amazing how quickly I loose fitness. It's ridiculous. My base mileage has been shit though since last October thanks to repeated injuries. Not good.

The run was mega slow. 30 minutes. I felt I was struggling too. There were a few bunnies running about. I also saw a young stag, his antlers just starting to grow. It was stood in an adjacent field as I passed by. It looked at me, noplussed.

30 minutes in the bag. I'll wait a couple of days before doing another 30. I prefer to run every day but I have to build right this time.

I miss her so much. I just loved being with her. I thought she felt the same. She said she felt the time. When does the hurt stop? How is anyone else ever going to want me? Do I have to wait another 27 years? Fuck that. I can't stand this life. Fuck.

That's all for now dear blog.

Dear blog,

I've mostly feeling dejected and empty today. I miss her so bad. When we were together it was great. We didn't argue or fight. I don't get it. I don't get how everyone else had decided i'm a bad guy and want nothing to do with me. All because I fell in love.

I have got a few things done. Washing up, going through a load of old magazines and putting them in the recycling. I'm a hoarder. Unfortunatly we've run out of space! I'm overwhelmed with clutter. Just need to get rid of stuff.

I've also been trying to teach myself how to use Adobe Illustrator. Could be interesting...!

Been playing limit poker also on party poker and not actually doing too well today. Ho hum.

I want to go back. Back to the other place. But will they have me? That's not too much of a bother to me to be honest. I'm more bothered about her. If she's really happy without me, if she's found someone else. I don't think I can take any more hurt.

I just want to scream and scream and scream.

I don't think anyone has clicked on my link yet. www.sharemydesires.co.ukIt needs some work. Ok, a lot of work. My next job.

I need to run. That's what is forging my need to go back to the other place. Back still isn't quite right. I'm not even sure that it is my back. Maybe piriformis. I don't know. Can't afford a physio. I'm going to run tomorrow anyway. Fuck it.

Goodnight blog.

Dear blog

Another pointles day of nothing to sink my teeth into. Great.

Will it ever get any better?
Will anyone ever want me?
Will people forever be repulsed by me?
Will everyone always hate me?

To top it all, I don't really know why no one likes me. No one will tell me. I ask and they won't tell me.

All alone,
The silence long lost,
The screaming within,
The inner sanctum,
Echoing to the sound of horror
The sound of lonesome
The empty madness

Invisible
He floats along unseen
Forgotten
He disappears
Unwanted, unknown

Dissolved, into the earth
Unnoticed
The breath removed, never to return
No one cares
No one sees
No one notices.

I could be dead an no one would notice. No one cares. All because I fell in love.

I miss her. Now I have no one. No one at all.

There is no place for me here. No place for me in this world. I want out. I can't stand it. I just want to leave and not be. Not be like this.

I don't know how to be. Not to be propper. Not at all.

I loved her

I feel groggy this morning. Really bad hayfever last night. I Didn't sleep much, no thanks to the cat. I think my sisters dog is partly responsible for the bad hayfever. I may have mixed my sertraline and loratadine up a bit. A don't know.

My sister was round because she's been bitten by something and her legs had swelled up. She dropped my two nieces off and the dog with me and my dad before going to the walk in centre. Nothing overly serious. Just an infection.

I'm going to the doctors later to see a counselor for CBT. My second session with her. The first was just to tell her a bit about me.

I just feel like crying at the moment. I still miss her. I don't think she even cares.

I'm a bit paranoid about something else as well.

A man approached me today whilst I was walking towards the job centre. Dark hair, slightly taller than me, athletic build, an angular face - his jaw line to his chin produced a near triangle shape. He was smartly dressed, a dark green coloured teamed up with dark navy blue trousers.

He asked me if I was looking for work. I back stepped and confirmed I was.

"Cash in hand. What are you doing at the moment?"

I paused a few seconds. Do I accept or not?

"Sorry, I won't work cash in hand"

Fool.

Was it a trap to catch me out? I don't know. I was tempted to grass him up to the security guard in the job centre but the usual burly looking black man wasn't in there, instead today there was a middle aged, potbellied guy. I didn't think that would be as entertaining.

A few jobs to apply for today. That's something.

Not so good that I don't really want to work.

There we go. In writing. Certainly not full time anyway. Definitely not for the man. Not to make him rich.

There's more to it than that. With my trouble sleeping and my depression working 9-5 regularly is near on impossible. Believe me I have tried and tried again. Working for myself, working at something I get some pleasure out of and giving time for other things I like doing. Running for instance, if my back and hamstring weren't messed up.

I'm looking into it. Researching.

The really funny thing is I suggested it to my ex, starting a business. I wasn't happy with her paying my way. She was all for it. Something we knew or one of us could teach the other. We decided on Cars. Something she said she knew. Last time I voiced this in pulic I was told I was deluded. No. I'm not. That's what we arranged. She used to do it. She said she'd go to auctions to see whats about, she said her cousin had a garage and tools he'd allow us to use.

Off topic now. Never mind. It's my diary. My thoughts. Get them out of my head.

Lots of things to do.

Still miss her. Have been feeling suicidal today. Want to chop my hand of. Have a visit to Beachy Head. I got part way there once. Turned back. Stop the internal pain. The hurt. The hurt of having no one here to touch, to hold, to carress, to feel. To be wanted.

No one does. I'm not even sure she did.

It's nearly two weeks now since I last spoke to her. I still miss her. I've penned her a letter, emailed her a couple of times. No reply. Nothing. All because I caught her out in a lie. She didn't need to lie to me!

I got it wrong. I realise now. A pushed away any change of sorting things out by what I wrote elsewhere. I didn't fully understand. I won't shoulder all the blame. She didn't tell me everything. If I'd have known more about bipolar then maybe I could have handled things better. I believe she has anti-social personality disorder as well. That would explain the lies.

When we were together, it was fantastic.

I've lost the other site now. The majority didn't want me there. They ripped the piss out of me. Some went out of their way to discredit me. Well, two did. What have I ever done to them? Nothing that I'm aware of. Problem is, I knew things about them which I would never have told anyone about but they were obviously scared I would so had to destroy my character in the process.

Not a big problem. I'm better off dead anyway. I don't want to be her. No one else wants me here. The world will be a better place without me in it. No one who has ever met me likes me. Just what is the point? There is no point. No point to being alone. 27 years old. At least I'm not a virgin anymore. That's not really making me feel much better though.

Life is shit. I want out.

Job Centre tomorrow so will have to be up early.

I miss her deeply. I loved her. Now I have nothing. Nothing at all. Nowhere to go.