Stuck in a world where I don't belong

you ever needed a friend but no one is there?

have you ever desperatly wanted to talk to someone but have no one to talk to?

Do...

you just not know what to do anymore?

you just don't understand?

why?

What is so bad about me?

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm nothing. I so down right now I can't even manage to write anything worthwile. Life for Exiled is not good. Is not fun. The last week I have barely eaten. I just sit here day after day. Sometimes in front of this computer, morosely refreshing Internet forums or when I get bored of that I lay on the sofa. Not even with the TV on. Theres nothing on.

I have been ridiculed on the site I usually write on. My identity is not kept a secret there. I write openly and honestly about myself. I write a diary. Something people are not usually privvy to. Readers of that blog and their appeared to be many can't seem to understand that what I have written are my private thoughts and feelings.

I like to get them out of my head. I like to write them down. I do like to feel that someone understands, that someone is actualy listening. I don't make anyone read my writing. It's there choice so why have they all ganged up on me to attack me? What is the motivation behind that?

There was one who gained my trust. I told him a lot about me. I don't like men. I just don't like them. Yet I'll take people at face value and don' like to pre judge. I told him a lot about myself. Some personal things. I felt confident enough to ask him about himself. Nothing too personal.

There was another. For some reason people come to me to tell me there problems. I don't mind that. I quite like it. It makes me feel wanted. I am interested. I just don't have any life experience myself so I can't offer help. Especailly to someone living hundreds of miles away. I can only listen. Thats all I can do. If I can I'll offer observations. I can only go on what I get told. I will never breach anyones trust. Anything told in confidence to me I will never reveal.

I do get a bit frustrated when people don't seem to understand what I am writing. I will reply to their comments on my other blog especially when I feel I'm not being understood. I only try to explain where I am coming from and explain what I have done. Some don't seem to think I have sought professional help when I have. I find that frustrating so I just politely explain that I have.

I've done CBT, been on and am currently on medication (which isn't doing jack shit) seen a counsellor and seen a psychiatrist and obviously my GP.

I am constantly told I can only help myself then told of for ignoring advice. I really can't see how I can make anyone like me. Make anyone want to be my friend or girlfriend. Especially when everyone are so repulsed by me that they can't stand to be near me. Where ever I go, what ever I do. Nothing. Avoided.

This particular person seemed to take offence and started name calling. I was accused of being Manipulative purely on the strength of what I write in my blog. That on top of some not very nice descriptions of my character.

I didn't say a bad word about her yet she went on the attack. I couldn't understand it. Nothing was forthcoming. I asked what I had done wrong which was met with "You know what you've done wrong" I honestly don't!!!

Since then I was attacked on my blog by a lot of people. It was made clear I wasn't welcome. A few supported me but I thought the best thing to do was remove my account. Which I did. I could still see the forum. The man who had gained my trust started a thread saying he had "caught me out" insinuating that I had a hidden agenda and wasn't who I said I was. He said he would email people with what he had found out. A game of chinease whispers. A smear campaign. I was furious. I signed back up to the site to defend myself. Very angry, I used a lot of inapropriate language. I did challenge the man to reveal publicly what it was he had "Caught me out with" Why? I have nothing to hide. There is nothing to catch out. Everything I have ever written is the truth. Either about how I feel or my life. He never did reveal what it was that he was on about.

I had messages of support. There were a couple of people who joined in the attack against me. One who I was surprised about. Another who had attacked me on my blog. This particular person seems to have it in his head that I'm not who I've said I am, even though I've met his wife! I couldn't understand that. I couldn't understand why he would think I would do that. What sort of motives I would have.

Then I found out. It's because he isn't what he says he is. He is the one with the hidden agenda. Because of that he couldn't possibly believe I was for real when he has his own dark secrets. Thinks that he has done wrong. People he has wronged. He obviously has a fear of honesty.

Unfortunatly for him I found out about his secret from the person he has wronged. I was chatting to her minutes before the attack happened. I think he now knows it's not a good idea to attack me.

I hate bullies. I'm a snivelling coward most of the time. I spend most the day shaking like a leaf. Loud noises make me jump. When attacked by a bully though I'm not going to stand for it. Bullies at school used to know not to mess with me. They knew I would make them look stupid. They usually ruled by fear. What was the worst they could do to me? "Do this or I'll kill you" um right oh. Ok. Now how many people have you actually killed? In fact, I haven't even seen you beat anyone up. You shout your mouth of. Gain a reputation of being 'hard' but I haven't actually seen you 'beat up' anyone.

You see. You now have a problem. I don't actually care if I live or die. I also have a very high pain threshold. I don't like you being aggressive to me. You don't have my permission to kill me so if attacked, I will do as much damage as I possibly can. I will do my best to take you with me. Purely because I hate people who try to cause fear and intimidate others. I don't like bullies.

The internet is a different playground. I stupidly assumed that people are genuine. I thought he genuinly was interested and wanted to be a friend. No. He was playing a game. Trying to catch me out. Trying to ridicule me. I don't know why. Maybe he was jealous of the amount of comments I got on that particular blog. I just don't know why he'd want to do that. Why anyone would be that horible.

I won't be as trusting of people anymore. That's for sure.

There we go. I like to get these things out of my head. Can't write on my usual blog so it goes here instead where my identity is mostly secret. A bit of mumbo jumbo in all. One day my head might be in a good enough place to write something worthwhile on this web site! Who knows.

What I do know is I'm still in a very dark place. I'm still completely alone. I can't see it ever changing. I don't want to be here anymore.