Just sat here. Alone. As usual. I can't see any point anymore. Trying not to cry. There isn't a single person who understands how bad it is not to have a single friend. To never have been in a relationship. Ther's those that say they are. Those that say they too are alone but often they are not. They have, or have had boyfriends or girlfriends. They have or have had at least one person they associate with. Someone they see,someone they spend time with, someone they talk to, someone they go out with. They are not alone. They just think they are.
I really am. I can't stand it anymore. I want to leave.
Went to see the shrink today. For some reason I was expecting it to be a man. For me, that is a bad thing as I find it much easier to talk to women. Unfortunatly, this woman was highly atractive and I was reluctant to tell her how crap I am
She seemed reluctant to do anything for me but eventually decided to prescribe Sertraline (Zoloft) she only prescribed 7 tables which set me back £7.10. Bearing in mind I was sacked on 25th August and have no money
I'm already feeling a bit sick. That may be because I spent the majority of yesterday in bed. I just couldn't see any good reason to get up. I haven't run since tuesday. I'm not getting any enjoyment out of running at the moment
I got out of bed a few times, once at 10pm with the intention of staying up from then on but for some reason I started feeling tired again so went back to bed at 3am and got up at 7am. Truly messed up. I can't say for sure it's the single table I took that's making me feel sick because messing with my body clock like that tends to mess up my digestive system anyway.
I didn't really eat anything yesterday either. Just a tin of vegetable soup yet I put on a pound in weight!
Life for me is feeling very pointless at the moment. I'm completly alone. That's unlikely to change so what is the point in me being in this world? No one wants me here.
I like the rain and the darkness. I have good memories of the rain. I can come to no harm in the rain. The darkness offers it’s own protection. Sometimes I feel untouchable in the dark. In the right places.
The darkness with nothing there. Like my own darkness of nothing. A temporary place of safety. Where it doesn’t matter so much that I am alone and always have been because there’s nothing there anyway.
It would be nice to one day hold someone in the rain.
10 X 600 metre Intervals tonight. I left going out far too late again. Started them of with a bit of light. A very slow 10 minute warm up around the outside of the woods followed by the reps around the inner gravel track that is conveniently 833 metres or so long.
Running hasn’t been going well. I’m getting slower and slower and loosing my endurance as well. Sundays 23 miler was torture. It shouldn’t be that way. It’s my own fault for missing so many long runs and then thinking I could just piggy back onto my schedule. I didn’t walk which was something. Neither did I on my previous long run. I have found myself walking on a couple of other long runs preceding those. I’ve never done that before. I’m a runner, not a walker. Albeit a slow one. Harrowing considering my Half Marathon PB which had me finishing 20 seconds in front of second woman and 2 minutes behind first woman.
The intervals tonight, I did manage to find a bit of form. A relaxed stride where I felt as if I was floating along peacefully. They were all done above target pace. They had to be really because I’ve dropped my target pace down quite a bit. I’m hoping my loss of speed is down to my knackered hamstring.
You won’t find many runners rolling around on the floor like those poncy footballers do when they trip over daisy’s. Runners have niggles. Footballers have injuries that requires them to sit in their mansions while on full pay. Poor things. Having to play 90 minutes of football, run walking across the pitch. They’re lucky if they cover 5k a match and then have a bit of a moan if they have to play more than one match a week because they might get a bit tired.
Fuck off!!! I ran 75 miles last week with a knackered hamstring.
It had really started to get dark after the third interval tonight. No moon to light my way either. My Garmin has lost it’s beep so I was completely on my own with pacing and I couldn’t see the bloody thing either. Making things much more awkward than they should have been!
After completing all the Intervals I headed off back round the perimeter of the woods for my 10 minute cool down. Pitch black. Any nutter could have been out there. The only nutter I was aware of was me. My senses did there best to keep me on the path but I did end up in a bunch of thistles at one point. Not nice. I was very pleased that the woods are starting to get muddy again and that my hybrid shoes kept me upright. I haven’t tested my current pair in the mud yet. To stay on my feet in the dark was excellent.
