No work again today. I did get out for a tempo run. It didn’t go too well.6.5 miles at a slightly slower pace than last Thursday’s 6 miler. I’m not finding the good place so very often now. I know it’s not real. There was a nice downpour for miles 2 and 3 then dry for the rest of the run.
There are two jobs in the paper I could apply for. I haven’t. Just haven’t motivated myself to sort my CV out, which is stupid. This job I’m doing now is finished as far as I’m concerned.
I hat my CV. I just can’t think of anything nice to say about myself. Not anything an employer would be interested in. Outgoing, confident, good communicator. No. But that’s what employers want. Even in fucking shitty warehouse jobs. It’s madness. There just isn’t a place for me in this world.
I also had a college course brochure in amongst the local paper. Had a look through it. I decided earlier in the year that going to college would be my only hope. I also realised to do so I would need a part time job – which I got but that only runs until September at the latest and assuming most course start in September, I’ll have to wait another fucking year unless something changes quickly.
That said, I can’t even afford any of the courses. They range from £100 up to £1000 plus. Basically poor people aren’t supposed to better themselves in this world. If you don’t have money you can’t do anything. If you don’t have communication skill, well I’m totally fucked. Or not.
I’m emptying my account every week nearly as soon as I get paid. I’m going to go overdrawn again soon with the lack of hours. This is just so fucking shit.
To summarise:- I have no job, no money, no assets, no skills, no qualifications, I’m unreliable because of the depression and sleeping problems, I have no friends.
Because of all of that, I can’t do anything. My life is one big, pointless, empty, meaningless hole and there is no way out of it. 
It wouldn’t bother me on bit if I went to sleep tonight/this morning and never woke up again. That doesn’t make me feel in the least bit sad. I’m sad about everything else. I’m especially sad that ‘M’ has cut me off completely just because I had strong feeling about her. It’s as if our friendship had never happened. I thought we had a friendship, even if it was virtual.
She is still there. I can still see her profile but I can’t see her training. I can’t see her blog. She doesn’t write to me anymore. I can’t write to her. Well I did but she ignored the last 4 messages I sent.
She must totally fucking hate me. Just because I told her I cared about her.
I must be so fucking revolting and disgusting, repulsive and vile.
No one likes me. No one ever has. No one ever will. Please can someone kill me?
