I eventauly managed a run last night at 7:50. I planned on two hours but left it so late and wanted to watch a film so decided to change it to an hour and 10 minutes.

After two miles I just felt totally relaxed, loose and free. Physically (apart for my digestive system) if not mentally. I decided I would do 2 hours after all. Running that late on a Friday night isn't without it's problems but I know this town well enough to be able to stay out of trouble.

I'm dissapointed that I struggled with the distance in the end. I started struggling after 10 miles. Legs went. Not my heart or lungs. The legs couldn't keep up the pace so the speed dropped as did my heart rate. I am hoping it's a fueling issue. 13.19 miles in total.

Hopefully I'll get out the door for my long run today. I'm thinking ridgeway. 3 hours or so but will possilby struggle.

I've been in bed most the day. Didn't go to bed until 4am got up about halp past one. I managed to get on top of the sleeping thing from the start of April for 10 weeks but it hasn't lasted.

The doctor has referred me to a sleep clinic. I was supposed to make an appointment with them but I haven't. I was hoping to get on top of it myself again but that hasn't happened. I had a reminder letter today to make an appointment so that shall be done.

Also had a letter from the doctors surgery saying my appointment with the counsellor had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances and I need to make another one. I don't think I will bother with that. She hasn't helped me so far. I only accepted an appointment because at the time I was (and still am) struggling with the 'M' situation. I don't think anyone will be able to help me with that apart for 'M' herself or a couple of people who sort of know both of us. The best person that could be is more of a friend to 'M' than me and she's having problems herself at the moment.

I would just like it if 'M' could either forgive me or if she could just tell me what a nasty fucking piece of shit I am.

FUCK

I've got a shrink appointment later on this month. The doctor is refusing to perscribe me AD's in case I OD. The two I have tried didn't really work. Well, I say that - i'm not sure if the second lot did or if it was 'M' making me feel better about myself! The second lot also made me pile on an extra stone of weight in a very short time period which wasn't acceptable.

It's never really occured to me to take a drug's overdose before. I just see that as something attention seekers do. It never seems to work does it? If i'm going to top myself i'm going to do it propperly. Yet last night i thought about the drawer. The drawer with ibruporfen in, and the Fluoxetine i've still got lying about and the Mirtazapine. That's some cocktail isn't it?

I only worked 3 hours last week. No one is speding! Partly because of the economy, the weather and mostly I expect, due to the cost of fuel to be able to afford to go out in the first place. So, I've earnt less than I would on JSA this week. Fucking A. I've asked for my holiday pay though so will get an extra 29 hours. But what of next week?