Stuck in a world where I don't belong

I can't seem to be able to get of my big fat arse. I'm just sat here. Feeling so sad. So down. There's just no point in me living. I can't even be bothered to get out the door for a run. I hate this life hate it.

Why won't she forgive me?

I have to accept there isn't a place in this world for me. I have to accept that there is nothing anyone can do to help me. Not while youthanasia is illegal anyway.

If I wasn't so hiddeously ugly then things might not be so bad. Just a glimpse, or even a though of me is enough to make people physically sick.

I have no friends. Not a single one. Not for 15 years. I don't know how to be a friend anymore. I've never had a proper girlfriend.

There is no point in me being here.

I thought 'M' was a friend.

I made a mistake. I feel in love with her. That's not a mistake in itself but telling her was. She was safe, far away from me so she didn't have to worry about how discusting I was. I told her though. She cut me off completely. I miss her.

Now everyone from that online community knows what I did and they all hate me as well. I have been pushed out. I thought some of her friends were becoming my friends as well but no not any longer. I went from having a little hope that someone could accept me to having none at all.

All this from one little mistake. Telling a beautiful woman I had fell in love with her. What a fucking freak I am. I knew what would happen before I did it. How fucking stupid of me. I knew she'd feel sick that such a repulsive piece of shit like me would have feeling for her.

I'm not capable of love though. I've never been loved and never will love. I don't feel love. No. I have obsessions.

Will someone please kill me?

I told her evertyhing about me. Everything down to the tiniest little detail and she's just cut me off. I have lost everything. Everything wasn't much, no. It was all I had.

Everything has gone. Everyone has gone. The virtual world as well as the real world has rejected me. There is nothing left. Nowhere else to go.

I eventauly managed a run last night at 7:50. I planned on two hours but left it so late and wanted to watch a film so decided to change it to an hour and 10 minutes.

After two miles I just felt totally relaxed, loose and free. Physically (apart for my digestive system) if not mentally. I decided I would do 2 hours after all. Running that late on a Friday night isn't without it's problems but I know this town well enough to be able to stay out of trouble.

I'm dissapointed that I struggled with the distance in the end. I started struggling after 10 miles. Legs went. Not my heart or lungs. The legs couldn't keep up the pace so the speed dropped as did my heart rate. I am hoping it's a fueling issue. 13.19 miles in total.

Hopefully I'll get out the door for my long run today. I'm thinking ridgeway. 3 hours or so but will possilby struggle.

I've been in bed most the day. Didn't go to bed until 4am got up about halp past one. I managed to get on top of the sleeping thing from the start of April for 10 weeks but it hasn't lasted.

The doctor has referred me to a sleep clinic. I was supposed to make an appointment with them but I haven't. I was hoping to get on top of it myself again but that hasn't happened. I had a reminder letter today to make an appointment so that shall be done.

Also had a letter from the doctors surgery saying my appointment with the counsellor had been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances and I need to make another one. I don't think I will bother with that. She hasn't helped me so far. I only accepted an appointment because at the time I was (and still am) struggling with the 'M' situation. I don't think anyone will be able to help me with that apart for 'M' herself or a couple of people who sort of know both of us. The best person that could be is more of a friend to 'M' than me and she's having problems herself at the moment.

I would just like it if 'M' could either forgive me or if she could just tell me what a nasty fucking piece of shit I am.

FUCK

I've got a shrink appointment later on this month. The doctor is refusing to perscribe me AD's in case I OD. The two I have tried didn't really work. Well, I say that - i'm not sure if the second lot did or if it was 'M' making me feel better about myself! The second lot also made me pile on an extra stone of weight in a very short time period which wasn't acceptable.

It's never really occured to me to take a drug's overdose before. I just see that as something attention seekers do. It never seems to work does it? If i'm going to top myself i'm going to do it propperly. Yet last night i thought about the drawer. The drawer with ibruporfen in, and the Fluoxetine i've still got lying about and the Mirtazapine. That's some cocktail isn't it?

I only worked 3 hours last week. No one is speding! Partly because of the economy, the weather and mostly I expect, due to the cost of fuel to be able to afford to go out in the first place. So, I've earnt less than I would on JSA this week. Fucking A. I've asked for my holiday pay though so will get an extra 29 hours. But what of next week?

No work again today. I did get out for a tempo run. It didn’t go too well.6.5 miles at a slightly slower pace than last Thursday’s 6 miler. I’m not finding the good place so very often now. I know it’s not real. There was a nice downpour for miles 2 and 3 then dry for the rest of the run.

There are two jobs in the paper I could apply for. I haven’t. Just haven’t motivated myself to sort my CV out, which is stupid. This job I’m doing now is finished as far as I’m concerned.

I hat my CV. I just can’t think of anything nice to say about myself. Not anything an employer would be interested in. Outgoing, confident, good communicator. No. But that’s what employers want. Even in fucking shitty warehouse jobs. It’s madness. There just isn’t a place for me in this world.

I also had a college course brochure in amongst the local paper. Had a look through it. I decided earlier in the year that going to college would be my only hope. I also realised to do so I would need a part time job – which I got but that only runs until September at the latest and assuming most course start in September, I’ll have to wait another fucking year unless something changes quickly.

That said, I can’t even afford any of the courses. They range from £100 up to £1000 plus. Basically poor people aren’t supposed to better themselves in this world. If you don’t have money you can’t do anything. If you don’t have communication skill, well I’m totally fucked. Or not.

I’m emptying my account every week nearly as soon as I get paid. I’m going to go overdrawn again soon with the lack of hours. This is just so fucking shit.

To summarise:- I have no job, no money, no assets, no skills, no qualifications, I’m unreliable because of the depression and sleeping problems, I have no friends.

Because of all of that, I can’t do anything. My life is one big, pointless, empty, meaningless hole and there is no way out of it.

It wouldn’t bother me on bit if I went to sleep tonight/this morning and never woke up again. That doesn’t make me feel in the least bit sad. I’m sad about everything else. I’m especially sad that ‘M’ has cut me off completely just because I had strong feeling about her. It’s as if our friendship had never happened. I thought we had a friendship, even if it was virtual.

She is still there. I can still see her profile but I can’t see her training. I can’t see her blog. She doesn’t write to me anymore. I can’t write to her. Well I did but she ignored the last 4 messages I sent.

She must totally fucking hate me. Just because I told her I cared about her.

I must be so fucking revolting and disgusting, repulsive and vile.

No one likes me. No one ever has. No one ever will. Please can someone kill me?

The second meaning
    To go back
       Make it stop before it started
          to stop the pain

I should have never been brought here. I should never have been made. All I do is create misery and anguish for others. It would be better for all concerned if I was dead.

Another nothing day. No work again. I haven't even ran. I haven't got dressed. I haven't washed.

There is one upside. I've hardly ate anything today. Maybe i'm loosing my appetite again. I don't know. It's too early to tell.

No work today. None yesterday. I am only temping at the moment. Doing data entry. The work is seasonal but with the weather not being very good and the economy in the state it is, especially the fuel prices no one is spending on days out by the seem of it.

This is not good. I have been out of work for most of the last two years. I struggle to hold down a job anyway because of my depression and sleep problems. I am very short of money. I have no skills or qualifications.

Qualifications isn’t a bigee. Not many employers ask for qualifications! No. What they ask for nowadays is ‘Good communication skills”

I have zero communication skills.

I am doomed and have no place in this world.